i catch myself thinking of you

dedicated to my family. our love, compassion, and support connects together through our spirit. may gzhemindo and all of our ancestors comfort us and offer us peace, strength and courage to carry each other.

 

prayers whispered connect with winter’s breath

carried on a wind that will blow in your hair

the wind is warm from the fire that burns in your honour

and carries offerings for peace and comfort

 

sleep is gonna whisk me away to another realm

where everything is rainbows and unicorns

but i am falling.

my body feels like it is plummeting to the earth

i catch myself and jerk awake

only to lay for hours imagining you

in all your innocence, freedom

and carefree way.

 

my body sinks into the bed

heavy with this ache that pushes

against my chest

hours pass. eyes burn.

my restless body pleads

to my higher self

to do something. anything.

burn some sage

hold on to some tobacco

let those tears come

but all of this gets mixed with thoughts

of the dark kind

 

i see myself with a mask

slithering in the shadows

watching, waiting for that perfect moment

where i will find the one who caused so much pain

but i catch myself. i am falling. i jerk awake.

my hand is clenched, nails digging into skin

when i open it, tobacco is wet and fragrant.

my body leads me outside

there’s a ring around the moon in a cosmic embrace.

i hold my hand out and let the tobacco

go and trust in it.

 

at a round dance, the drums gather

for you. for me. for all of us

our stepping legs leading the way

our hands sweaty yet, still we hold on

slippery, we grip tighter

knowing that we need every hand to complete this circle

with each step we lay down our prayers

with each beat our hearts stoke the fire that is growing

these songs are a gathering of love

and comfort for all those with us, and away from us

 

i catch myself thinking of you.

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