well actually not weird. it’s more like this epiphany. this big ah-ha! moment.
and, it’s sad. it’s a really sad showcase.
i’m a rider. a biker. a cyclist. so i ride. everywhere. well, almost everywhere. and i listen to music. not with earphones. the music fans out from these teeny tiny speakers on my mobile. you can imagine the quality.
today, i’m riding and this music comes on. it’s an instrumental. piano, unaccompanied. it’s my daughter playing her piano. i can hear love as her fingers touch each key. i can hear her stumble on parts of naruto’s sorrow and sadness song. i can see her at the piano, playing. this is joy. this is passion.
and i miss her. absolutely without a doubt. she’s three thousand miles away living on a coast filled with a salty mist and rainbows.
melancholy ascends just like that mist. i feel like charlie brown. cue the music – the sad walk home. in this case, the sad ride home.
and here’s the moment. this is something i thought i understood. this sense of loss. this feeling of a love so far away. a child being away from a parent.
if this was during the residential school era – where would i be? i feel this loss. it’s like being broken. heart broken. and just for these moments my chest is heavy with this burden. my eyes rim with water and my throat is dry and constricts. and this is just a glimpse of what it would be like for our grandparents and great-grandparents. there are times in the day that i would be doing something for her. not just me. i would be cooking a meal for all of us. and she’s not here so i think, why bother? i can just eat whatever.
for me, and for her, this is a choice. she had a choice to move. i had a choice to support her. she is in a loving home with her father. whereas, all of our parents, aunties and uncles, and cousins had no choice and no loving home. so, there’s some big differences here. you can see that and i can see that. but what remains the same, is that inability to hold her and just to be with her under the same roof.
at this moment, i am grateful for this feeling so that i can understand, just a little bit. i pushed harder to get home. skype is just a click away. i will hear her voice. i will see her face. and all will be right again in the world.