huh?! that’s weird.

well actually not weird. it’s more like this epiphany. this big ah-ha! moment.

and, it’s sad. it’s a really sad showcase.

i’m a rider. a biker. a cyclist. so i ride. everywhere. well, almost everywhere. and i listen to music. not with earphones. the music fans out from these teeny tiny speakers on my mobile. you can imagine the quality.

today, i’m riding and this music comes on. it’s an instrumental. piano, unaccompanied. it’s my daughter playing her piano. i can hear love as her fingers touch each key. i can hear her stumble on parts of naruto’s sorrow and sadness song. i can see her at the piano, playing. this is joy. this is passion.

and i miss her. absolutely without a doubt. she’s three thousand miles away living on a coast filled with a salty mist and rainbows.

melancholy ascends just like that mist. i feel like charlie brown. cue the music – the sad walk home. in this case, the sad ride home.

and here’s the moment. this is something i thought i understood. this sense of loss. this feeling of a love so far away. a child being away from a parent.

if this was during the residential school era – where would i be? i feel this loss. it’s like being broken. heart broken. and just for these moments my chest is heavy with this burden. my eyes rim with water and my throat is dry and constricts. and this is just a glimpse of what it would be like for our grandparents and great-grandparents. there are times in the day that i would be doing something for her. not just me. i would be cooking a meal for all of us. and she’s not here so i think, why bother? i can just eat whatever.

for me, and for her, this is a choice. she had a choice to move. i had a choice to support her. she is in a loving home with her father. whereas, all of our parents, aunties and uncles, and cousins had no choice and no loving home. so, there’s some big differences here. you can see that and i can see that. but what remains the same, is that inability to hold her and just to be with her under the same roof.

at this moment, i am grateful for this feeling so that i can understand, just a little bit. i pushed harder to get home. skype is just a click away. i will hear her voice. i will see her face. and all will be right again in the world.

 

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4 thoughts on “huh?! that’s weird.

  1. Vera, I grew up back in the 60’s, when long distance was very expensive and I could seldom afford to call home. Letters and the occasional tape were the thing. Fast forward to ten years ago when my daughter was in college. Long distance was almost free and we talked when we both wanted. Now long distance is free and Skype allows us to keep in touch with her and our grandchildren.

    When my daughter went back to school, over a thousand miles away, I would be so sad. Sometimes when one of us has visited the other, that old sadness comes rumbling back. I think it is in the blood.

    When I look at how distant my folks were from most of their family members, I imagine I get a little insight into the sanitarium and residential school experience. Fortunately, we all missed the residential schools, although my mom was in the TB sanitarium and always spoke of it as one of the best experiences of her life. I have also worked with scores of adults who were abused in church run orphanages and in the churches themselves. I know from their stories that those places were indeed Hell. I can’t even begin to imagine the residential schools.

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    • thanks michael for the response. it’s really just the tip of the iceberg. i left out scores of other kids who were taken during the 60-70’s scoop, kids taken into care, or kids taken by another parent too many miles away. i feel for all those kids and families. and i was reminded last night that if you want to hurt people at the very core of their being take away their kids. as you know and i know, in aboriginal communities life is centered around our children. when they come to us we recognize and are taught that children are gifts and are still the closest anyone will get to the creator without even trying. children are our greatest teachers and bring much joy, happiness and teach us about unconditional love. so taking away children away is a very significant move to break one’s spirit and to break the heart of a village, a community. it’s this understanding that i’m grateful for. it’s just a glimpse into that ache.

      going away from school thought is a whole other matter! it’s a challenge to let go of a child so that they can weave their own web in the world. i am very thankful for skype, the phone, and letters. it fills the void, partially, but it soothes the ache.

      i am feeling there’s another lesson here…

      blessings to you and your family my friend 🙂

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    • thanks for reading and responding. i’m still processing. as a writer, i am always looking for these insights and feelings so that i can write from experience or that it is genuine. but, i was expecting this type of insight. still i am grateful. take care and blessings.

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