i’m learning lessons. steadily and if i’m ready or not. perhaps i am ready. that’s what they say, enit? when the student is ready. well the teacher comes in many forms. and recently for me it’s about ego.
i am challenged by this part of me. but also reminded that in order to grow, you need to let go. and for most of my life, the ego has won many a battle. and at times within a fraction of a second without any real fight. i just got out of the way and let the ego free. and once that happens, well, it’s hard to come back from. hence the re-occuring lessons.
the artist in me is protected by this equally creative hard shell. but most surfaces have a weak spot that will give with steady assault. even if the assault is imaginary. because our minds can make up all kinds of stuff. and if we’re not anchored we can lose ourselves. and spiral, if you will. out of control.
this almost happened to me. i had to walk away. and feel what i was feeling.
and i realized that it was my ego that was getting all antsy. wanting to stand up and get all loud.
but i walked away. my heart even felt heavy with these feelings. but it could have been an on-set of anxiety where your heart begins to beat just one too many beats per minute. and it actually begins to tighten in your chest. hmmm, which was it?
so, i took a deep breath, exhaled and did again, and again.
this is an opportunity for me to grow and to let go of my ego. or maybe to embrace my ego and say, there, there. it’s okay. you’ll be okay. mkay?
maybe i’m getting older. i will be forty this year. yes, you heard me right! so with age, i’m learning to settle down and walk away. even if my heart feels heavy with anxiety. and with this new age of social media, one has more access to let their ego be loud and clear. even if it’s more about self-gratification.
will this be my last lesson that my ego will have for me? i’m not sure. this one stood up fast and knocked me on my ass. metaphorically speaking.
for now, it seems that when i walk away i have more opportunities to learn and to connect with something more real instead of an illusion that i create.